I’ve been feeling so heavy over the past couple days, like there are stones in my stomach and I’m not strong enough to swim to the surface. That’s how depression is sometimes. Most days I’m treading water, some days I’m even swimming freestyle, but some days I get dragged under. They say the most important thing you can do if you’re stranded in the water is to conserve your energy. Float on your back. Swim with the current. I want to learn how to do that with my moods instead of flailing and fighting until I’m exhausted.
I want 2018 to be a year of productivity and creativity, but I’m blocked. I don’t want to write. I don’t want to take photos. I want to make $1000 shopping carts in my favorite online shops and then close the tab and play video games. I want to read comic books and avoid answering messages from people who love me.
Depression is such a complicated beast. It’s not just feeling bummed out (Dwight, you ignorant slut). It’s feeling bummed out + physical exhaustion + lacking motivation + feeling guilty for feeling bummed out. Part of the reason this sucks so much is that my brain keeps bullying me — telling me I have no reason to feel like this, that I’m wasting time, that I’m pathetic and lazy and awful. That stuff isn’t true.
Here’s the thing: I’m allowed to be sad. I’ve been through a trauma. I’m allowed to rest and recuperate, and if that means taking a break from creating and spending some time playing video games, that’s OK. It’s not forever. It’s just for now, and I need to be patient and gracious with myself until the storm passes. I need to stop flailing.
Romans 8:24-25 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.