If I Look Back, I Am Lost

All I can do is look ahead.

I lost nearly everything I have ever owned when my house burned down. When my parents’ home burned, I lost even more — childhood memories, family history, things I just assumed would be around forever like our wooden advent calendar and the cradle I slept in as a baby. When I think about these things it takes my breath away, like a punch in the gut. It hurts.

Marshall and I have moved into a beautiful rental home with my parents and siblings, and we hosted Christmas there. It went off without a hitch, and surprisingly, it felt like home. Nothing felt out of place. We bought shelving for our new room and started putting our things away in a way that makes sense. The present is comfortable and the future has promise. As long as I look forward I feel all right. But if I look back, I am lost.

I’m not interested in talking about what’s gone. I’m not interested in talking about what happened. I just want to move forward, and I’m not going to worry about whether or not that’s psychologically healthy or well-adjusted. This is how I’m coping right now. I’m taking it one day at a time and hoping for more silliness, laughter, and coziness in 2018.

 

 

Published by clairelaminen

I am a Ventura, California native with a compulsion to create. I'm a storyteller, through writing, photography, and occasionally music. Weekends are for camping with my husband, reading, and hunting for vintage treasures, which I sell in my Etsy shop, Peace & Goodwill. My favorite things include lavender lattes, swimming in the ocean, true crime podcasts, The X-Files, and Peaky Blinders. I hope to become a full-time writer, bestselling novelist, and a continually improving reflection of God's grace. Proverbs 16:24

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